A thread started recently on Monkey Filter regarding everyday handy household tips. The large number of posts include invaluable wisdom on all manner of subjects including avoiding speeding tickets, finding your way out of swamps, efficient urination techniques for men and how to get the stains out of just about anything you can think of.

I was particularly pleased to see among the comments a link to a list of Viz Top Tips. Viz was a British magazine which became very popular in the late eighties/ early nineties with its mixture of foul-mouthed versions of kids' comic strips and lampoons of the tabloid press. The Top Tips section was always one of the highlights for me. Below is a selection of some of my favourites:

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.